3:00 PM
It has been 100 days since I moved forward with my life and walked away from everything I thought I had wanted, and I couldn’t be happier. This isn’t about negativity or ill-thoughts related to my former relationship. Rather, this happiness is proportionate to the growth I experienced and the perspective I gained about myself following the end of the relationship. In a few days I will accept my first job offer that will propel my life in directions I cannot predict. Our choices drive the lives we live and I continue to feel confident about mine.
Often I make choices without reflecting upon them, especially when the decision is mundane. This has led me astray when taking this same passive and thoughtless approach to much larger choices, such as who I date or how I interact with family. I noticed myself slipping back into this passive action state with the my family recently, when tired or stressed speaking to them in irritated tones. I try to hear what they say to me without the tone, the fear of disappointment and disapproval, and the sting of previous pain. Lately, I have failed leading to arguments and hurt feelings. I have gotten caught up in wanting to control what they say as opposed to just listening. I choose to refocus on hearing the content of what they say while trying to separate the emotion those words might stir.
Choice is also at the forefront of my romantic life and I have vacillated between practicing great intentionality and enjoying the ride associated with dating. I have been working on balancing these two approaches. Not having expectations but feeling hopeful about potential, not limiting myself to checklist evaluations of potential partners, and letting my in-person interactions guide the direction the relationship may take. I have realized that when I first started dating again, I was choosing comfort and routine over checking in with how I was reacting and responding to the men I was dating. Maybe this was rebounding, maybe it was seeking the homeostasis I felt in my long-term relationship, or perhaps I was just too distracted to truly evaluate what was happening. I choosing now to pay more attention to the pace, the volition, with which relationships form. Am I merely feeling more attracted or attached to someone because we have been seeing each other more frequently? Am I making sure to articulate my need and desires from the start of the relationship to give the person a chance to fulfil or deny them? Am I doing the things that earn me a place in a new partner’s life, and are they earning a place in mine?
Being mindful and intentional with all these choices is bound to be complicated by starting a new job. Yet another major thing to balance and incorporate, many people do it but not all do it successfully. Time will tell what camp I fall into.
Successive Approximations 