6:30 PM
I’m in uncharted territory now and realizing that relationships have become much more complicated as I have gotten older. In your thirties, the fun and light-hearted parts of dating seem to fade faster. Serious aspects of life and the future pop-up earlier for discussion and resolution. For as much as I have tried to practice self-compassion, by setting aside timelines and external pressures for commitment, marriage and children, these factors seem to have a larger influence in even the beginning of relationship when we’re in our thirties.
I have met few men through dating that I connect with. It’s a rare and special thing to meet someone with a similar sense of humor, strong opinions of issues ranging from fashion to social justice, and most importantly, who creates space for my genuine self. And when it has happened I have moved away from wanting to pursue alternatives and have found hope and comfort in getting to know that one person. Defining the relationship, or determining exclusivity, has come naturally with both of us choosing to see only the other person. I haven’t felt the need to find out where I stand because the men I have chosen to be exclusive with let me know without me asking. In this way, I have felt more confident and secure in beginning relationships compared to dating in my earlier years.
Globally, what feels more challenging is the maturity I approach these relationships with now. I have been deliberate to invest time in men who have a solid sense of self, what seems like a strong moral center, and with whom direct communication is possible. These are the factors that I would venture attract us to each other, but also are our potential undoing. While there are certainly other factors at play, sometimes it feels as though the relationship ends prematurely before those factors can even be identified. The message I receive, in different words from different men, seems to boil down to not feeling ready for a relationship with me. And, it’s hard to know if the two things are mutually exclusive, are they saying they are not ready for a ‘relationship’, a ‘relationship with me’ or ‘me’? The dialog feels different from the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ trope, the words are more sincere. There is a sense that past stating their concerns, exists the question of it makes sense to continue knowing this hesitation exists.
I don’t know if it does, there is a part of me that feels there is no way I could know unless I continued on and let things unfold. The part of me that wants to guard and protect my heart tells me to bolt now, to play it safe by moving on before I develop any more feelings. And, this may be the smart thing to do, but another part of me would always question what might have been. If it is going to end, I’d like to know why. And, if it is going to end, I would rather let the relationship run its course while I experience the ups and downs of any relationship.
Here is what I do know, I really, really like the man I am seeing now. I know that if I were to walk away now, I would miss our daily contact and sharing funny stories. I don’t know for how long, or how much, but I know I would miss it. And so, I am choosing to see what happens, instead of prematurely turning away.
Successive Approximations 