Day 208: Light

9:30 PM

The school year is wrapping up and with it comes a sense of both accomplishment and relief. I am preparing for some time away, heading back to Chicago for the first time since I moved a few years ago. The timing of this trip is eerie. Exactly a year ago I went away on a weekend trip with the same friends I will be visiting in Chicago, and it was during this trip that I finally realized my relationship was over. I didn’t plan this year’s trip to coincide with the anniversary of the end of my relationship, but it feels fitting.

My entire experience of Chicago is framed around my last relationship, I met him when I visited for internship interviews, we started dating even before my match-date, and I moved in with him a few months later. The entire time I lived in Chicago I with my ex. I visit now in a very different life circumstance with a perspective molded by all the transitions that began exactly one-year ago.

The man I am seeing lived in Chicago during the same time I did. We worked in adjacent buildings, frequented the same lunch spots, moved to California within a month of each other and settled in apartments separated by a mile. We never met, but for several years our spheres overlapped.

This fact fills me with joy. There is something marvelous about imagining all the times I may have crossed paths with a person who fills me with so much happiness now. I feel airy as I consider walking past him on the street heading to work or waiting in line at the grocery store. Had we met then, none of what I am experiencing now would have been possible.

Though we may have encountered each other, neither one of us was in a position to really ‘see’ the other. We were in our previous relationships. We couldn’t have felt the sparks we feel now or experienced the warmth of each others’ company. The light that is created when we are together could not have shined.

I am grateful for the passing of time because with it comes greater perspective. Though I have felt frustrated and defeated by not understanding why things unfolded as they did over the past year, these series of events are beginning to make sense. And, I trust that even more truth will be illuminated as I move forward.

Day 201: Ready

10:00 PM

I am still in a state of contentment and wonder regarding everything in my life right now. When I share the recent developments with friends or family I find myself grinning like a fool. Yet, I don’t feel foolish. I feel grounded, secure and aware of my emotions. I’m not merely infatuated, I am spending time learning about someone I am comfortable with, who intrigues and challenges me. And makes me laugh, oh how he makes me laugh.

A few years ago, after I ended my longest romantic relationship I made a resolution to spend the next year in laughter and experiencing the joy of laughing. For me, this resolution lasted far longer than a year and I have used humor and laughter to get me through the most difficult of times since. With him I find myself laughing, smiling and feeling happy in such a pure and easy way.

I question where he came from and why he entered my life now? Perhaps its not a good idea to try to make sense of something that feels magical. I believe in part that this happened because I am finally ready. When I think about the time after I ended my last relationship,or the time following my dad passing, I question how much of myself was really available for another person. Even if I was not actively exhibiting my grief I was preoccupied. Whether it was adjusting to single-life, the transition to moving home, searching for a job, or coping with everything that followed my Father’s death, I was in a self-centered state. And, frankly, I needed to be.

When I am in a relationship with someone, I make the relationship and my partner’s needs a priority. I want to spend quality time with him, I want to focus my attention on our conversations and hearing about the details of his life before I met him. I’m not sure I could have fully invested my time and energy into another person, no matter how much I may have wanted to. When I say that I was self-centered I am not being critical of myself, but rather compassionate about my circumstances.

While there are certainly transitions in my future, the present feels manageable and stable. It has been close to a year since my last long-term relationship ended, close to 7-months since my Dad passed away and 6-months since I started my new job. I may not have everything figured out, but I don’t need to. I had no idea how life would be different when I felt it implode a year ago, and I feel stronger and more confident now. What I do know is that I feel ready to share my thoughts, my desires, my emotional energy, the mundane and the exciting, the triumphs and the challenges, my life and myself with another person again.

Day 188: Sudden

9:00 PM

The last 36 hours have been a bit of blur and I perpetually feel a bit disoriented. My dating life has been a series of ups and downs, as I have written before. My expectations for a first meeting are low and realistic, I merely expect to meet a new person and to have a neutral to pleasant conversation. I never expect to feel sparks or to experience that lightening-like trope depicted in the media. If I’m lucky I find myself feeling excited about the possibility of seeing someone again, but most of the time I leave the interaction yearning for more.

I find myself at a loss for words trying to explain what happened over the weekend. I felt sparks, I experienced lightning. The bar, the people all around me, their chatter and the music faded away. I wasn’t drunk but I felt intoxicated. I sat silently staring at a man who stared back at me, just as dazed and confused. The chemistry was immediate, palpable and thick. I was comfortably uncomfortable.

I’ve canceled all future dates with other men, I’ve made plans to see him more times this week than the average number of dates I’ve had with any one man all year. I’m twitterpated, I’m smitten, I’m in serious like. This defies all logic and rationality, yet my gut is telling me to go with it and to let it happen. And, my head isn’t arguing, my mind is blissed out.

I’m taking this leap again, knowing the risks while welcoming the rewards. As much as I should be gun-shy, hesitant and avoidant, I trust my own feelings too much to not explore the possibilities. And if the crash happens, I know I’ll be alright, I always land on my feet and stand with my head held high.

Day 153: Tempo

8:00 PM

It’s been a few weeks and I have rejoined the online dating scene again. For all the dates I have been on and all the men I have met there are few who have made me really excited. Few with whom I have been able to find a natural ease and a connection across sense of humor, intellect and world view. Sometimes I can feel this in the first few messages we exchange, but for others it is not until we are face-to-face that it becomes apparent. Even with this first positive interaction, if another meeting doesn’t soon follow or a flurry of text messages are exchanged silence soon replaces any excitement I experienced.

There is a pace associated with online dating that I am sure has developed in accordance with the immediacy provided by all the technology we use to online date. I have messaged, talked on the phone and texted with a far greater number of men than I ever meet in-person. In order to balance my professional, family and friendships I may have to delay several weeks before I have the time to meet someone after we begin talking. That means potentially weeks of investing time in talking and getting to know someone before you meet and one, or both of you, may be disappointed.

The people I am meeting are busy as well, with business that takes them out of town or pre-planned dates/events. Even if you are interested in someone, if you don’t have the time to meet them the endeavor becomes a failure to launch situation. I have struggled with this the entire time I have been single, but had the luxury of time when I was unemployed and I had so many less responsibilities. To avoid burning out, to ensure I am not neglecting my mom or my friends, I can realistically date 2-3 times per week. If I were in a relationship, I think this amount of time would be healthy. Being single, I struggle with feeling like I need to spread myself more thinly.

The reality is that I don’t have to rush this, I don’t have to push myself to date and experience every man I start talking with. Neither party is obligated to follow through on casual mentions of meetings, if he ghosts or slow fades then chalk it up to fate and move forward. I am trying to reconnect to the dating experience with intentionality and allowing things to unfold without force. I am trying to let things happen.

Day 144: Line

8:00 PM

I threw myself into work this week, it helped to refocus my energy on my career and my long-term plans for program development. I had a big meeting with my boss to discuss taking on greater leadership within the department and opportunities for promotion. I realize I have only been on the job for 4-months, but when I look at what I accomplished in the first 2-months solo I am proud. I developed and built the infrastructure for a program that had existed only in name and expectation. And if I do not recognize my own accomplishments and ensure others have noted them, then I run the risk of being taken for granted.

In my personal life I am struggling to stick with the communication moratorium I enforced with the man I had been dating. Part of ending things romantically with an ex is about removing their daily presence from my life. I need to shift my way of thinking and feeling about them towards platonic friendship. I have been able to accomplish this with only two exes. We are friendly and cordial, I continue to care about their happiness deeply, but we are not close. I doubt it would be possible to have a close friendship given that eventually we both moved onto other relationships.

If I don’t go through the phase of missing him, forcing myself to experience the longing without reaching back out to him, then how will I ever dampen the desire to be with him. To be honest, I wasn’t spending much time in-person with him, and what I miss the most is the conversation and daily back and forth we exchanged. I miss being a support to him and a positive influence on his life, and yet I understand that I was slowly turning into another stress in his life. And so, when he reaches out I reinforce my boundary about not talking. As much as I care about him and do truly want us to be friends one day, I also need to do what’s best for me and for moving on emotionally.

I’m doing well, I’m hanging in there, and I’m getting back on my feet.

Day 133: Secure

9:00 PM

I am struggling, patterns and negative tendencies are emerging from past relationships that I have tried to learn from and not repeat. While I desperately want to protect myself from getting hurt, to stop myself from caring about another person and minimize how vulnerable I make myself, I am incapable. I value connection and communication, the building blocks to a secure relationship. I can’t have one without the other, I can’t protect myself and still develop intimacy in a relationship, it’s counter productive.

This desire to defend defines the beginning of most of my relationships and there are few people who can navigate this space. To be completely open and to allow someone into my life, to share those moments of happiness with those marked by intense pain, is to give that person power over my feelings. I am essentially providing my partner with ammunition they can fire back at me in the future. And even when this space is navigated in the beginning, the ammunition sits ready for when conflict arises. The alternative is to maintain emotional distance and fortify my wall of disinterest and avoidance. This is the ultimate dysfunctional behavior. I keep my interactions and my investment on the surface, when what I really want is to create something deep and meaningful.

In my current relationship, I have been trying to be open and vulnerable. To let closeness and intimacy develop despite my fears. And though I am aware and working on this tendency within myself, I have no control over my partner. Ironically, just when I am trying to move forward and shed some of my negative relationship habits, I am learning that my partner may cope with his fears of vulnerability in a similar way. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter who is maintaining the distance, the end result is a lack of connection and anxiety. Perhaps this is when neglect begins, when the acknowledgement of the issue is all that occurs, without any action to address it. Words mean nothing without action, and intent is not equivalent to impact. I continue to check my desire to retreat and protect with the hopeful optimism that guided me to this point.

Day 123: Intersect

6:30 PM

I’m in uncharted territory now and realizing that relationships have become much more complicated as I have gotten older. In your thirties, the fun and light-hearted parts of dating seem to fade faster. Serious aspects of life and the future pop-up earlier for discussion and resolution. For as much as I have tried to practice self-compassion, by setting aside timelines and external pressures for commitment, marriage and children, these factors seem to have a larger influence in even the beginning of relationship when we’re in our thirties.

I have met few men through dating that I connect with. It’s a rare and special thing to meet someone with a similar sense of humor, strong opinions of issues ranging from fashion to social justice, and most importantly, who creates space for my genuine self. And when it has happened I have moved away from wanting to pursue alternatives and have found hope and comfort in getting to know that one person. Defining the relationship, or determining exclusivity, has come naturally with both of us choosing to see only the other person. I haven’t felt the need to find out where I stand because the men I have chosen to be exclusive with let me know without me asking. In this way, I have felt more confident and secure in beginning relationships compared to dating in my earlier years.

Globally, what feels more challenging is the maturity I approach these relationships with now. I have been deliberate to invest time in men who have a solid sense of self, what seems like a strong moral center, and with whom direct communication is possible. These are the factors that I would venture attract us to each other, but also are our potential undoing. While there are certainly other factors at play, sometimes it feels as though the relationship ends prematurely before those factors can even be identified. The message I receive, in different words from different men, seems to boil down to not feeling ready for a relationship with me. And, it’s hard to know if the two things are mutually exclusive, are they saying they are not ready for a ‘relationship’, a ‘relationship with me’ or ‘me’? The dialog feels different from the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ trope, the words are more sincere. There is a sense that past stating their concerns, exists the question of it makes sense to continue knowing this hesitation exists.

I don’t know if it does, there is a part of me that feels there is no way I could know unless I continued on and let things unfold. The part of me that wants to guard and protect my heart tells me to bolt now, to play it safe by moving on before I develop any more feelings. And, this may be the smart thing to do, but another part of me would always question what might have been. If it is going to end, I’d like to know why. And, if it is going to end, I would rather let the relationship run its course while I experience the ups and downs of any relationship.

Here is what I do know, I really, really like the man I am seeing now. I know that if I were to walk away now, I would miss our daily contact and sharing funny stories. I don’t know for how long, or how much, but I know I would miss it. And so, I am choosing to see what happens, instead of prematurely turning away.

Day 116: Miss

8:30 PM

A new job and relationship mean new opportunities to learn more about yourself and others. The past week there were a few hiccups in each of these arenas, which left me feeling pretty uncertain and exhausted by weekend. As exciting as embarking on new adventures is there comes a point when even the most effortless of beginnings shift.

A few weeks ago I received news related to my job that makes me question how feasible my long-term goals are. I have been working to define my role and develop a department within parameters that continually shift and to fill needs that are moving targets. For the most part this has been a solo endeavor. Some of this load has lightened with additional staffing support, but I was informed this help is temporary and am now unsure how to proceed. Sometimes, it feels as though the endeavor is destined to fail due to lack of resources, but I believe so much in the mission that I cannot imagine abandoning the position. This job has been challenging for so many reasons, if I can resolve my disappointment and refocus my energy on the potential good that can come from the office then I know I will stay the course.

The excitement and lightness of my new relationship has been such a welcome addition to my life. As much as I have opened myself up to the possibilities of this relationship with this partner, I also am aware that all relationships have the potential to crash and burn. Developing intimacy with another person requires knowing them, really understanding how they think and what motivates their actions. Past the butterflies, the stupid grins and electric interactions, the beginning of a relationship lays the foundation for the future of a relationship.

Popular opinion suggests the first six-months of any relationship is a honeymoon phase, meaning each partner is on their best-behavior and exhibiting the most likeable version of themselves. I believe that people change, due to factors within and outside of the relationship, but I do not buy into the idea that you cannot see who someone is early on in a relationship. The things I value in a relationship, such as open and direct communication, I practice consistently. I like to express appreciation for my partner, care for and support them. Though I admit that there are times when follow through with these behaviors may wane, I strive to get back on track once I recognize I’ve gone astray. As I have gotten older, my desire to put on airs or facades to attract men has disappeared. And, I believe I have become a better judge of men who maintain appearances inconsistent with the person they are.

My partner and I navigated our first difficult conversation this week. I don’t believe in avoiding or shying away from these types of interactions early on in a relationship. Rather, I believe situations like these provide the opportunity to really get to know the person you are dating. Can you receive feedback about yourself and respond non-defensively? Can you talk openly about an issue and work together to resolve it? Can both parties come to a solution where each others needs are fulfilled and their wishes respected? And, most importantly, can you move forward together without resentment? Yes, it would be much easier to dig one’s heels in until their partner caves or to run away instead of handling it. Even though I initially felt nervous and scared, I’m deeming this experience a success. I learned a lot by talking to my partner, I gained a greater understanding of his perspective and of his needs. I hope he gained a greater understanding of me, as well. And, I’m grateful to be back on the same page.

Day 88: Met

8:30 PM

Today, I spent time with a friend I hadn’t seen in close to 1.5 years and who hadn’t spoken with since my previous relationship ended. Of course, we picked up as though we saw each other yesterday but our conversation revolved around all the changes we’ve individually experienced. I spoke with her about my Father passing and for the first time in a long time shed tears in public. Perhaps it was because I knew she intimately understood what it’s like to lose a parent, or because the three-month mark of his death is in a few days. Regardless of the reason, it felt good to have such an honest moment with a good friend, no pretense and no hiding the impact of this event.

The recent weeks have been fun, interesting and freeing. Work has continued to challenge and push me, and as I receive feedback it reaffirms my decision to accept this position. Personally, I am enjoying being in a new relationship. I had a moment a few days ago when I decided to delete all the dating apps from my phone, and caught myself smiling as I ticked each ‘x’. It’s exciting to get to know someone in a deeper way and feel like you cannot contain yourself in anticipation of seeing them. I feel a lightness in my chest every time I get a text or chat notification, there’s something that feels so good about knowing someone wants to talk to you as much as you want to talk to them. After all the time I spent dating last year, I noticed when something finally felt so different.

The biggest difference is the way it feels to have the warmth and affection I give be returned. I don’t feel myself holding back my corny jokes, my love of dorky puns or terms of endearment. When I reach out to hold hands, I’m not left hanging. I know the person who I find funny, intelligent, attractive and caring, sees me similarly. I have no idea what the future holds or the impact of this experience on the landscape of my life. I am grateful for this person’s presence at this moment in time, and for the opportunity to see where our relationship might go. I am grateful to feel something natural and familiar with someone totally unique.

Day 74: Chance

8:30 PM

I’ve commented before that in order to survive in the world of online dating one must have resolve, confidence, and a solid sense of self. It’s a scary experience filled with potential rejection, disappointment and sometimes pangs of hopelessness. What’s even scarier is when the time comes to log off.

I’ve been through waves of feeling excited and exhausted by dating. There are so many nice men with whom to have a pleasant conversation with, share a coffee/drink with, and with whom I have no chemistry. Lots of articles online can tell you how to go about online dating, but few exist that tell you when to stop. And there are no guidelines that exist for knowing when you have met someone that makes you want to sign-off.

I’d like to think that when I have met this person I’ll hear a ‘ding, ding, ding’ or some light switch will go off. Perhaps for once my pragmatic and emotional needs will be met, and somehow I’ll just ‘know’ that its time? Well, I’ve been led astray by this before, so I can’t make that assumption anymore.

I’m on the verge of signing off, but have yet to know for sure if its because I have met ‘the’ person or if I just need a break from dating completely. Emotionally, I think its the former. Pragmatically, it may be the latter. Sitting on the bench and sitting out of the game is taking a chance, but I realize a very small chance. And so, I’m tagging out, who knows for how long. Let another chapter begin.