Day 138: Enough

7:30 PM

Sometimes the timing just isn’t right, and if you force it you’ll only end up angry and resentful. I’m learning so much this year about timing, about noticing the tension between doing and being, and choosing to not fight it but instead let go.

My budding relationship ended last week in possibly the most positive and loving way I’ve ever experienced. For as much as we liked each other, there wasn’t enough time or resources to invest in a relationship. I realized that if we kept forcing the timing to be ‘right’ we would most likely ruin the chemistry. And so, while definitely bittersweet, ending things was the most humane way to go. Of course we spoke about staying friends, hopefully eventually we can be.

Again, I have been surrounded by the love of friends who are supporting me through this transition. I am grateful especially for the support my female friends. When I was younger I had difficulty maintaining friendships with women, perhaps it was socialization but my relationships with women would inevitably feel competitive. Turning 30 was such a pivotal experience for it was at this time that I felt my relationships with women change. Gone were the tendencies to compare and evaluate myself against my friends. Instead of looking through a lens of insecurity at these women I surrounded myself with, my lens became that of admiration.

I am surrounded by women that exude strength, emotional and physical, in everything they do. In their roles as mothers, sisters, and partners they exhibit patience and sensitivity. When boundaries need to be set they are adept at clearly communicating their needs and seeking compromise. And as friends, they bolster me when I doubt myself, my choices or my future. I’ve called upon them repeatedly this year, and from the insignificant to the most tragic situations they have always answered.

And when the tables have turned and my friends have questioned their abilities, their fortitude or their worth I hope that I have adequately expressed just how amazing they are. They are exceptional women. They are enough just as they are, and they are my everything.

Day 83: Cynical

8:00 PM

I’d describe myself as a straight shooter, I don’t say things that I don’t mean. I’m not interested in manipulating other people to get what I want, and I have been able to guard myself against those who do fairly well. Even in my younger years, I didn’t fall prey to flattery or sweet talk. I was raised, and socialized through media, to be wary of male interest. Fortunately, through most of my dating experiences I have been able to discern the ‘players’ early on and to steer clear. I don’t believe that I am cynical or distrustful, but certainly I am cautious.

In my current course of dating I am learning that perhaps I should be less trusting. I was recently matched with a man who looked very familiar to me and realized that I met him at a wedding I attended with my ex earlier in the year. He was one of the groomsmen, and he was married. Through mutual friends I found him on Facebook and verified that he was still married, at least his wife’s profile picture from their wedding day suggested he was. I messaged him and casually stated that he looked familiar to me, he immediately unmatched. Though I barely know this person or his wife, this experience made me very sad.

I have taken for granted, admittedly naively, that men on these sites are single or at least in the process of divorcing. Personally, I have never cheated on a partner. I don’t want to have to cross-examine every man I meet and I’d like to believe that honest people exist (I acknowledge there are a number of women who are also infidelitous). I’d like to take these men at face value and yet I am learning that they don’t deserve that level of trust.

Dishonesty exists in subtle ways when dating. Perhaps a man states verbally or in writing that he is looking for a life-partner when he really is seeking a hookup. Or, he tells every woman he meets that she is ‘fascinating’ or ‘unique’ to suggest a level of exaggerated interest. I find it difficult to discern the difference between what men say and what they mean in the dating world. I realize that part of this problem stems from my own comfort with articulating nuanced emotions and practicing intention in my communication. If I take someone at face value I am in danger of being naive and run the risk of being taken advantage of. Whereas if I disbelieve the sentiments offered to me I may become cynical.

I also have difficulty reconciling what it means to discount the compliments I receive from men. In psychology, women have a greater tendency to attribute an accomplishment to some external factor
(i.e. luck) instead of personal ability. An analog in dating might be attributing a man saying I am ‘fascinating’ to his desire to hookup with me, as opposed to believing that I really am ‘fascinating’. I think it’s possible someone might find my personality and experiences fascinating, do I negate this positive belief about myself in order to remain distrustful of others? And does this defeat the purpose of dating in general? Don’t we want to meet someone who thinks we are as awesome as we know we are? I am eternally hopeful, skeptical, and optimistic.

Day 73: Standard

10:00 AM

I entered dating again with little expectations and prepared myself for the disappointment that inevitably follows most dating experiences. Yesterday I was a bit blindsided when the man I was seeing told me he was no longer interested in seeing me. And though shocked, there was probably a part of myself who knew a conversation like this was coming. Though a small blip in my romantic history I am brought back to the same centered and rational state of earlier this summer.

I am grateful for these brief dating experiences because the are helping me create a new standard for how I want to be treated by a partner. For me, this time of being single is about recalibrating not only who I am and what I want out of life, but also experiencing new interactions with people who are capable of treating me with as much respect and appreciation as I treat them. It was sincerely refreshing to speak with someone who could articulate their emotions and share his thoughts non-defensively. And, it makes me believe that seeking such a quality is not unreasonable.

In the end I don’t feel rejected or like his decision has to say anything negative about either one of us. Rather, for me this is about compatibility and that early signs of incompatibility don’t have to be ignored or rationalized. Just as I try to be honest and direct with anyone I am seeing, I feel as though I was afforded the same candor and so there doesn’t have to be any hard feelings. Having these conversations is never easy, and as I have written about before, many people choose to take the easy way out that leads to greater confusion and game-playing. I appreciate cutting losses early and moving forward.

I still know my worth and feel secure in the qualities I have to offer another person. I still know what my goals are and that the route to get there may take many different forms. And though there is some sadness, there is no regret and I continue to be eternally optimistic.

Day 53: Blunt

12:00 PM

I have received lots of funny, lewd and downright bizarre messages via online dating websites/apps. It was a simple one line message that really caught my attention: “I’m Eric [phone number redacted] I am looking for a wife.” This message was so straight forward and to the point that it took me aback. I am aware there are a spectrum of reasons people use online approaches to dating. For me, it is to expand my search since the majority of my social network is either in a long-term relationship, engaged or married. It’s also a way to meet men outside of bars. And while I have filtered through a fair share of men seeking hookups, I have not yet encountered a man with this singular goal. This made me pause to reflect on if my goal is to ‘look for a husband’, and if so, does my profile reflect that?

My cousin read my dating profile when we were hanging out a couple weeks ago and said it was intimidating. I laughed at this suggestion, and while not intentional, I actually like that I might be considered intimidating to men online. I am very clear about what I am looking for, but realize I do not make mention of ‘husband’ or ‘marriage’. I suppose I believed this was implied. I also don’t understand what ‘short-term’ dating means, and so I endorse seeking a long-term relationship and wanting my next relationship to potentially last “the rest of my life”. My rationale is this, if I am intimidating online as a static representation of myself, then there is a chance I might terrify a man in-person. In a way, I am weeding out men who are not seeking an assertive and opinionated woman. Or, men who see honest and clear communication of goals as a turn-off and are not interested in marriage or children. These men are not prospects for me anyway. Soon after my cousin described my profile as “intimidating” I was on a date with a man I met via the website this profile is posted on. I told him about what my cousin had said and asked him about his own personal initial reactions to the profile. He stated he felt “excited” when he read my profile. This is the same man I have mentioned regarding the potential for a new relationship. His reaction is what I was seeking, someone who would be excited about my honest static depiction of myself and who would feel even more excitement by our in-person interactions.

To be honest, I guess I am seeking a husband through online dating, but this is not my singular goal. If all I wanted was a husband, I would be married by now. Who/What I seek is so much more complex than a title. I am seeking someone who complements me and who is looking for a life-long partner. I am seeking someone who can be empathetic and warm without seeing it as a threat to his masculinity. A man who is a gentleman and understands how capable I am, but still wants to make sure I am safe and cared for. Someone who is polite and conscientious (e.g. keeps commitments and writes thank you notes), and who is close to and keeps in touch with his family. And, perhaps most pertinent to the relationship transitions I have experienced in the last few months someone who: likes and wants to have children, who is emotionally mature and can communicate their feelings, and will focus energy on the relationship when it needs improvement. And, what you have just read is exactly what I have written in my online dating profile. Honest, blunt, transparent, etc. I am all of these things and I hope my future husband cherishes these qualities.

Days 18 – 24: Edge

10:30 AM

I have neglected to post for the last week due to many competing time commitments. I had a big interview at the end of last week and preparations for this took up the majority of my time. Today, I expect to hear the results of this interview, and so I am riddled with anxiety.

On top of this, I am now 6 days away from having the talk with my ex. When this journey started, I did not know what to expect. The last few weeks have unfolded with few hiccups, and my understanding of the situation has continued to be clearer. I have reinforced my knowledge of how supported I am, of how many people I love and who love me. And yet, there is one person who I have loved, and I have no idea how he feels about me.

Of course, the focus has shifted away from him and what he feels/wants to what I feel/want. And as the shift occurred, so did my desire to rekindle the relationship. I miss the security of a relationship, but then I realize that it wasn’t really as secure as I had thought it was. I miss the companionship of my ex, but then I question if it is ‘him’ I miss or the stable presence he provided. I miss his dog, and well, I know I miss his dog.

In the end, we became strangers to each other, and I don’t feel like I know the person who I ended this relationship with. I still don’t understand why it happened the way it did, but I do believe it could have been handled by him better than it was. I ultimately, don’t need to understand these things in order to acknowledge that they occurred. And I certainly don’t need to understand them to know that my trust has been broken. Of all the things that happened, the biggest one for me is I no longer trust my ex. He broke my trust because he didn’t trust me, he didn’t trust me enough to verbalize the things he had been thinking/feeling for several months. He didn’t know me well enough to know how I would react, and so he avoided me because he didn’t trust that I could have a rational response.

He also entered into this separation not realizing that as much as this was for him to figure out what he wanted from life, that this was the break I needed to figure out what I wanted from mine. And so, when we have this talk, it’s not solely about what he wants. I am not sure he is prepared for this. The things that I thought I wanted when we were dating, living together and even at the beginning of this break have changed. They have returned to the things I wanted before the relationship began.

I did bend and accommodate, and we still broke. I want to focus on taking something away from this experience as I move forward with my life. I have settled on a brief list, not of what I want from a partner, but what I want of myself. My focus has often been on my partner and I have neglected nurturing the aspects of myself that I love. For example, I enjoy supporting my partner, but when I notice that this support is not reciprocated I can begin to resent the support I give. If I am being true to myself when this occurs, I should be mindful enough to address it so that I can continue to support as much as I am want to. These realizations are just the beginning, and I need to continue to introspect as this week progresses.

Day 11: Opportunity

3:00 PM

I am feeling swell today, like I have turned a corner and found some unexpected surprise around the corner. I’m not entirely sure what to attribute this boost in mood to, but I am grateful for it. As I have mentioned, I am on the job market and I have been entertaining a variety of options. One option in particular I am very excited about and I feel as though it is progressing positively. It is not this news alone that contributes to my hopefulness. Rather, I believe my revelations from this weekend has calmed my fears and propelled me toward possibility.

The future, with whatever it holds and whoever is in it, is full of limitless options and I am excited for anything it brings. My confidence bounds because I know that when tough decisions need to be made, I can make them. When the rewards of those decisions are reaped, I will fully enjoy them. This is not some single girl’s manifesto or independent woman rant, this is the belief of a person who rebounded from a life-changing event.

When this all began, it was like entering a tunnel with just a match to light my way. I was fortunate because what could have been a dark and scary place was actually filled with many people lighting my way. Now, it feels as though the end of this tunnel is in sight. And, while I may not know what lies ahead out there, I know that I am moving forward without fear.

I want to mention that this blog has been instrumental to me feeling as positively as I do in such a brief period of time. Even on the days when I don’t publish a new post, I have readers viewing my journey. This tells me that my words are affecting people, hopefully in positive ways. I have had readers in Ireland, Ghana, South Africa and Germany, as well as North America. Many of you I know personally, but many I do not. To all, I wish to say thank you. Your tacit support encourages me to continue through the dark.

Day 3: Worth

9:00 AM

Actually had a solid night’s sleep last night, which is positive as I think I will need all the emotional and mental energy I can muster today. I didn’t finish packing last night, exhaustion finally set it. There isn’t much to do though, its amazing how the objects that make up my presence have been reduced to two carloads of stuff.

Over the last week I have heard a lot of different opinions and thoughts about this break. They have ranged from “I don’t think you should have to leave in order for someone to realize how important you are to them” to “There isn’t another way you could figure this out other than what you are doing.” Both are true of course, every opinion and thought is valid. Giving into the emotion of the situation and focusing on my how hurt I feel isn’t enough, I need to know my worth.

My ex doesn’t define my worth, how important I am to him, or how much he may/may not miss me does not mean that I am a person who is worth missing/not missing. I define my worth, I need to know my value. Things are of course blurry still, but there are several things I know that I value in myself. I am rational even in the face of great emotional pain. I lead my life with intention and integrity. I am nurturing, understanding, and empathic. I am not vindictive or vengeful, though I would be lying if I didn’t admit to having those thoughts sometimes.

The reason I feel compelled to highlight the idea of value/worth now is because I need to be mindful of my own as this process unfolds. I want to maintain the positive and compassionate characteristics I have, and ultimately find someone who won’t take advantage of them. I want a partner who complements these qualities.

With each minute, hour, and day I hope that I am working towards a wise decision.